What?

My wife apparently sometimes feels overwhelmed from living in a house with all boys. Overwhelmed with perceived stupidity that is. In particular, she seems to have an issue with our hearing.

Now, personally, I think that there’s at least a possibility that women talk in a range that is hard for the males of the species to understand. There have been multiple times that my wife has walked into the room while Casey has been watching TV, Marty has been on the computer and I’ve been on the Blackberry and none of us have heard a single thing until she’s changed octaves and yelled, “Why isn’t anyone listening to me?!”

We usually try to listen for a little while after that, unless what she wants to say takes longer than 30 seconds…in which case, our eyes typically glaze over.

Last night, she became peeved repeatedly because she said that she had to keep repeating herself. That might be true…that might not be true. For all we know the first time that she said any of that stuff was after we said, “What?”

You might think that the fact that we’re saying “What?” is a giveaway that something was said, but that’s not true. If you’re used to being yelled at for not listening, you just get in the habit of saying “What?” any time that you hear any sound. If the dog picks up a stray Cheetos that the boys dropped on the floor I say, “What?” Sometimes my sons walk in the door from playing outside and just yell, “What?” for good measure. You never know when a woman’s been saying something that they wanted you to listen to, so it’s always better to be safe.

Notice that I left off, “or sorry.” In my experience, the “or sorry” happens regardless of anything else. The only word that my sons and I say more frequently than “What?” is “Sorry.” Sometimes, and this is a specialty of my older son Marty, we just say it all together, like this…”What? Sorry.” Chances are that whatever we weren’t listening to was something that we were supposed to apologize for (“Who left the milk out on the counter?,” “Who left the toilet seat up?,” “Why is the front door open?”) and even if it wasn’t then you can just apologize right off the bat for the (possibly) not listening.

You can say that all of this is kind of cliché…men don’t pay attention and all of that…and that’s probably true. However, there’s got to be more to it when a 5-year-old, an 8-year-old and a 42-year-old all have trouble hearing the same things at the same time. There has to be some scientific explanation for that. And, by God, I will not rest until I find what it is…someday I will find the cure for the ailment that makes me not pay attention to my wife. I will get a government grant and do all sorts of case studies until there is a clear diagnosis. My wife will be listened to someday through the miracles of modern science. The answers are out there. My sons and I will listen…eventually.

What?