The generic white collar jobs come with a lot of legal rules about what you can and can't do, and also come with a lot of policies and procedures about how you're supposed to do this or that. I don't know when and where it happened, but sometime along the way, I became a stickler about that kind of stuff. Turns out in the modern workplace, that's not an opinion shared by all...there's a large group of people that believe in the motto about "as long as it gets done, who cares how." Maybe it's all those years working in HR, but I can't bring myself to let those transgressions go.
So, I'm not the most popular manager in the world. While, in my mind, I believe myself to be the main character in my little sitcom, my staff believes me to be Mr. Mooney from the old "The Lucy Show" (or was it, "Here's Lucy" or both...the post-"I Love Lucy" Lucille Ball stuff all kind of runs together for me). I'm the mean boss that always interferes with the harmless shenanigans of the fun-loving workers.
It's a small company, so a short-while ago, my superiors started to try to get me to loosen up and the staff to stop putting up Facebook posts about what an asshole I am. We all grudgingly agreed to give it a shot.
One of my staffers, however, had trouble fighting the urge to call me an asshole and decided to take a unique measure to soften her stance on me. So, she's started ending conversations with me with, "I love you." You know, like, "Here's that file that you made me skip lunch to find, causing me to cancel my plans with my ailing father. Let me know if you'd also like me to work late and skip my daughter's dance recital or if you'd perhaps like to order mandatory overtime this weekend, since this is supposed to be mine and my husband's 'date' weekend. Oh, and, I love you."
At first it was fine that this was her little "He's really not that much of a jackass" mantra and if it helped stop the "My boss is a total dickhead" Tweets, I decided that I could live with it.
That is, until it started being expected that I return the affirmation with the traditional, "I love you, too."
I tried to resist that, but turns out your even more of a jerkwad if you won't return something like that. So, I eventually opted for the path of least resistance and just started saying it back. Then, some of the other staffers decided that they should follow suite and next thing you know, I apparently love everyone in my office.
It's gotten to the point that when I'm any place and I hear someone say, "I love you." I just automatically say, "I love you, too." This has led to some difficulties during visits to my sons' school...although I guess it doesn't hurt to know that I do apparently have some options if things don't work out with my wife.
The declarations of love were good enough for a short period of time, but then I was given a new nickname...Lovebug. Some would say that this is better than the names that they used to use for me, but in all honesty, I'm really not sure about that. See, I actually kind of like being an asshole and frightening people just a little bit. But if this sticks, I'm in trouble because I'm not really physically big enough to pull off having Lovebug come across as something ironic.
Now, not only do I have a staff that doesn't listen to me, they're not even afraid of me. I'm sure that, just like with my 5-year-old, if I actually got mad enough that they might be...but then I'd probably be relieved of my duties and the police given my name as a potential terrorist suspect. Or, worse, someone would try to make me go to counseling. I like to provide for my family, but that would probably be the deal breaker.
At this point, the "I love you" and Lovebug stuff has been supplemented by hugging. I usually try to avoid touching people that I actually care about, so truly, this is just the icing on the cake.
I'm not sure what comes next and I'm pretty sure that I don't want to know. There used to be a time when I worked for a big corporation and sat at a desk writing boring legal stuff and rifling through various statistics, hardly talking to coworkers sometimes for days at a time. If anyone has a job like that to offer, let me just say that I can be had for a song. I'll even bring along the little "Herbie, the Love Bug" replica that my staff gave me to brighten up the new workspace.
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