Bald Headed Freak

I ended up having to go to my younger son's Christmas program by myself, since my wife's still sick. Worse, I had to record it so that she could watch it at home. I have become one of those dad's that sits there like a dope looking at the display on his camcorder. All so that someone else could have the benefit of seeing a bunch of kindergartners mumble the words to "holiday" songs.

I say "holiday" songs because they had to squeeze in both Kwanza and Hanukkah songs. Never mind that Hanukkah's already over. Plus, the Hanukkah songs that the teacher picked where the latkes one and some eight little candles thing. If you're going to have kids singing Hanukkah songs, how can you not do "The Driedel Song"? It's like having a Jewish wedding and deciding not to play "Hava Nagila." Who does that? If you're going to have a song about potato pancakes that reminds me how much I miss the show "Taxi" then at least throw me something...like having the 5-year-olds do Adam Sandler's "The Hanukkah Song."

And, whatever song they had for Kwanza might have been the worst holiday song I've ever heard. Seriously, whoever is in charge of the marketing of Kwanza really needs to do something about that. You can't expect us to go along with a December holiday in this country without a really good song. Just commission Smokey Robinson or someone to write it. I understand that you might not have the budget to get someone like Pharrell to put something together for you, but Smokey's got to have some time on his hands. Or what about Stevie Wonder? The guy used to write 50 songs in a day...he could probably toss off something passable to get you by until you can afford something contemporary (although, what's Dr. Dre doing now? Maybe he could help out. And, isn't T.I. in jail...he's got some time).

But I digress.

So, I watched the kids try to remember the words to "Up On the Rooftop," and then found out afterwards that I was expected (by my son) to go back to a party in their classroom. Now, this program thing was at one school, but my son's class is actually at another building.

I came walking into his class, after they had already been there for a few minutes since I stopped to get gas, and all of the kids were at their tables. My son sits with his back facing the door, so at first he didn't see me. I can up from behind him and stood. He turned his head around and said, "Hello, my bald-headed freak."

Turns out that my 5-year-old knows that you're not allowed to strike a child on school property without them calling Child Protective Services on you.

The little girl on his left said, "Hey! That's your dad! I mean, he is bald..."

Then the little girl on his right said, "What did he say?"

So the little boy on the opposite side of the table said, "He said, 'Hello, my bald-headed big guy."

It went on like that, with my son grinning happily at me the entire time.

I got even with him though. The cookie that he was decorating mysteriously ended up with an inordinate amount of spicy cinnamon hearts hidden under the sprinkles. Oh, and I had a little trouble hearing him while he was asking for a drink of water.

I'm sure he won't consider us even, but what's he going to do? He's only 5 and I'm a light sleeper.