While others might be slow to get with the program, I'm happy to take advantage of an opportunity when I see one, and in a manner that Trump himself would surely appreciate, I'm not above stealing ideas for my own personal profit.
With The Donald now in charge of the entire world, there is a century's worth of films that can be easily reworked to fit in more readily with a Trumpian view. (And, before you say, "some of these were books first," let me just say this -- no one reads and no one cares about books, you elitist twerp. That said, we will, of course, modify the books to comply with the new versions approved by the supreme ruler.) This group of heretofore beloved classics should get a facelift pronto to make them more appealing to the Trump set.
A Christmas Carol - Scrooge is allowed to manage his rental properties however he sees fit, without interference from a bunch of liberal snowflakes. Bob Cratchit receives "family time" in lieu of holiday or overtime pay, and considering what a sniveling wuss he is, he should be happy he has a job at all. Unfortunately, because of Tiny Tim's pre-existing condition he's ineligible for coverage on Bob's employee plan, which Scrooge so generously supplies. The youngster dies, but that was obviously God's will.
Citizen Kane - As the only person publishing the truth in his newspaper (which, for the record, easily outsold every other newspaper in the country), Kane is, of course, vilified by the liberal mainstream media. While they attempt to derail his political ambitions just because of some floozy -- who seduced him, by the way -- the people of New York rightly see through the MSM attacks and elect Kane anyway. He turns out to be a brilliant politician, is elected President of the United States, and saves the country from the crooked Democratic congress. Oh yeah, and "Rosebud" turns out to just be the nickname that he gave his smokin' hot daughter.
First Blood - John Rambo is welcomed to town by the Sheriff and his men, who thank the Vietnam veteran for his service. Rambo is enlisted by the Sheriff's department to assist them in dispatching a group of protesters who are unjustly holding up construction on a pipeline project that will reinvigorate the local economy. The whiny little tree huggers are dispatched with extreme force and Rambo gladly accepts one of the many jobs that are created by the pipeline.
It's a Wonderful Life - George Bailey, acting on some inside information, invests heavily in plastics and makes a killing. He trades Mary in for a younger model, while still occasionally banging Violet and, later her daughter, on the side. His real estate holdings explode in value once the suburban sprawl of the '50s takes hold and George eventually leaves his vast fortune to his ambitious, handsome son, who is an even better businessman than his father.
Fahrenheit 451 - Guy Montag turns Clarisse and her family in immediately for their subversive thoughts, and they are executed. He happily returns to burning books and lives a nice, conforming life with his wife, Mildred. In the updated book version, which is now only 20 pages long, readers are encouraged at the end to burn the book immediately and never read again.
Caddyshack - Young caddy Danny Noonan sees the error of his ways and takes Judge Smails up on his generous offer, earning a scholarship and, later, a prestigious clerkship thanks to the Judge's patronage. Al Czervik does, in fact, buy Bushwood Country Club, but instead of building condos on the site, hires Jack Nicklaus to redesign the course and triples the membership fees, smartly pocketing all of the profits. He keeps Smails around because it's never a bad idea to have a judge in your back pocket when you're in real estate.
Wall Street - Gordon Gekko is rightly hailed for his "greed is good" stance and becomes a sympathetic character for having to put up with squeamish little weasels, like Bud Fox, who don't have the stones to do something as simple as screw over their own father. He spots Bud's plan to undercut his deal for the airline a mile away, since he's so much smarter and better looking than his young protégé. Bud tries to entrap his mentor for the FBI, but since Gekko didn't do anything wrong, it doesn't work. The film ends with Bud begging Gekko for another chance, only to be told, "You're fired."
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows - With bleeding-heart Dumbledore out of the way, Voldemort and his band of patriots take over the Ministry of Magic and, by extension, Hogwarts. Mudbloods like Hermione Granger are deported to the Muggle world where they belong, as the new leadership begins to immediately roll back the wizarding regulations that Dumbledore and his like thrust upon the magical community while ignoring the common wizard. "Crying" Harry Potter, as expected, can't handle his defeat and goes around blaming others for his failures. Voldemort doesn't kill him or sentence him to Azkaban because, really, who cares about losers?
No Country for Old Men - Now framed as a cautionary tale that Sheriff Bell tells Texas school children about why it is so important that we build a wall on the Mexican border to keep out the drug dealing bad hombres.
A Few Good Men - Crybaby Navy lawyer Lt. Kaffee realizes that he actually can't handle the truth and that he does need Colonel Jessup "up on that wall." He then excuses the Colonel from the stand so that he can get back to doing whatever is necessary to keep America safe, no questions asked.
Little Women - Instead of sisters, Meg, Jo, Beth and Amy are now supermodels who are all married to very rich, very powerful and extremely handsome men. The ladies go shopping together, do yoga and spin classes together, take care of the kids and do whatever their extremely successful and powerful husbands tell them to do. Has franchise potential, since it could be updated every few years with the next generation of hot actresses (the male leads will, of course, remain the same).
The Birth of a Nation - Since it's nearly perfect, it just needs to be updated with sound and color. The D.W. Griffith 1915 KKK one, that is. The one with the same name from 2016 never should have been made, since the black guy who wrote and directed it probably should've been in jail.
Red Dawn - Well, since Russia is now our ally and wouldn't do anything that would be counterproductive to the welfare of the United States, the country is now attacked by the North Koreans after China refuses to do anything to rein them in. Wait, someone already did this one? No kidding… with one of the Hemsworth brothers? OK, well, never mind then.
An Inconvenient Truth - It's all a lie. End of movie.
